I think these updates are my favorite. Over the last year I have spent so much time buried in doctors, nurses, and procedures, that this blog became about explaining diagnosis and interventions. I am proud to say that as of today, knock on wood, I don't have any of that for you. Elijah is doing well. Like really, really well. According to the scale at home, he has FINALLY crossed the 20lb mark. His pediatrician said that he was actually on the growth chart (2nd percentile but who cares about those details). They actually had to increase the dosage on his medication because he gained weight. I don't think they have done that in a year.
Elijah started preschool about a month ago. I was panicked about the whole idea of preschool for my little guy. When Noah started school I worried. This was different. This was full blown freaking out. He was so anxious around new people that I feared he would be afraid all day long. That he would cry. That he would look for me and I wouldn't be there. Oh man, my heart was so heavy. I felt like by working, I was letting my little boy down. I felt like, because of his special heart, I should be able to stay home with him. But those are not the cards we were dealt and let's be real, I am a working mom. I am best as a working mom. Staying home with him would do nothing for either of us except relieve my guilt. So to school he went. And you know what? He did awesome. He was amazing. Can you believe that he did not cry? When he didn't cry the first day I thought it was a fluke and that the tears would start on day two. Then day two became day three and three turned into four. It has been a month. We have had a few tears along the way and a few moments of "you can't possibly be leaving me here again." But overall, this kid is flourishing. His language is exploding. He understands what you are saying and can follow multi-step directions. He is doing awesome.
Where I struggle is finding peace with him being okay. I feel myself always holding my breath. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm constantly watching his coloring and checking on his lip color (purple=bad). I'm monitoring his breathing and evaluating his effort. I need to relax. I feel like I am on borrowed time and I want that time to last as long as possible. I need to find peace in where he is now. I need to allow myself to stay in this moment. Instead of borrowing worries by looking into the future, I need to enjoy this moment fully and completely. So that is my goal. My mission. To sit in peace with where he is now. I will plan for the future but live in the present.
